Something has happened to my reflection. I’m generally a scruffy fellow – there are tattoos and beards and all kinds of hair and crumpled clothes going on – and this hasn’t really altered in the few weeks since Kitty was born. But as I shambled into the room the other day, Dr T took one look and sent me back into the hall.
“Look in the mirror,” she said, and I did. I looked at the familiar chap standing there.
“You’re a dad,” Dr T said.
Oof. Instantly, the reflection altered to become a source of amused bafflement: that guy is a father. I mean, look at the state of him in the pic above. You spend so long preparing for the birth, hearing what a life-changing event it is…I think I’d expected the mirror guy to somehow vanish in a puff of Adult the moment Kitty arrived. I don’t know what I’d expected in his place – maybe sensible shoes, or at least a haircut – but the fact that he was still there, just the same, with his ink, bangles, skull scarves and superhero paraphernalia, was a surprise. It seemed absurd that he could have survived the birth.
It’s one of the many strange things about my experience of new fatherhood so far, reconciling the fact that I don’t look any different (the odd bit of baby drool aside) with the equally sturdy fact that I manifestly am different: a whole other being, the precise result of my genes colliding with someone else’s, now exists, and I am her dad. So now my reflection poses more questions than “can we get away with these antique Cons?” He wonders whether we ought to feel differently, he and I; whether or not we should somehow change the way we present ourselves to the world; when, basically, we’ll start looking like a dad. I’m not sure strapping a baby to you necessarily does the job, it just makes you look, as Dr T opined, like a hipsterish version of that Athena poster from back in the day.
But maybe we do look a bit like a dad. Maybe the cultural notion of a Dad Look, to accompany Dad Jokes and Dad Dancing, is nonsense. Maybe it doesn’t matter, or maybe I’ll wake up one day, get a short back and sides and shop exclusively at M&S (their baby stuff is awesome, after all). But the mirror guy and I will keep putting the Cons on for now and see how we go.